This is a very sensitive and touchy subject. The truth is I really have no idea how I feel about this but I understand how I feel about what happened in my relationship.
I should start at the beginning. June 2014 I met an incredible girl who would change me into someone I probably wouldn't recognise back then. We had incredible adventures and had a laugh together. Back then, to me, it was a dream come true. We were so young at 17/18 and spent so long with each other and every moment I spent with her was magical, it felt like she was completing me. Her family were everything you would ask for from a partner's family. Don't get me wrong they had their issues but so do most families. She came from a split home. Her Dad and his partner were fantastic to me and always intrigued into what I was doing with myself, in hindsight I feel bad about because I had no idea what I was doing as per past posts but they were still so supportive and were happy that I was with their daughter/step-daughter. They had a good dynamic. Her Mum and partner were also very good to me and treated me very well which I always appreciated and I was very content.
The longer we went out the better it got throughout the first couple of years going to places such as Paris, London and New York and I thought I was incredibly lucky with how she treated me. I also made sure she got what she deserved and gave her what I could offer at that time. Looking back at those years I can without doubt say she helped my development socially and academically, always giving me the encouragement to be the best I could be and reach for the stars which I could only admire from her. She was my drive for a lot of pursuits. To make her proud of me. To be someone she could say "He's mine". That's all I wanted.
The thing is guys and girls is that I Overthink and yes here it is again..Two years into our relationship I felt I had to end things between us due to being too 'Self-Aware' and realising that maybe I'm not quite good enough to be with her with a mix of confusion in how I was feeling towards her. This was due to the amount of shit going through my mind in terms of life decisions and my own mental battles. I totally agree she didn't deserve that as she was only trying to help me figure myself out. Unfortunately I was so fixed on myself to see that I was hurting her through this process. Who wouldn't be? I will always regret that and forever be sorry for that. Nevertheless we talked it through somehow and we were back together the next day but I still was shrouded with uncertainty but with determination to fight through what ever I thought I was experiencing for another year.
It just got all too much for me in the end with how much I was overthinking to the point I just knew I had to split and and work on my myself and actually achieve good results on my own accord. It was one the hardest things I have had to do but I knew you have to be selfish in these situations. If you are not selfish, you begin to abuse yourself by not fulfilling your needs/wants and begin to become unhappy.
We still speak and on a friend basis which is nice. Without her I wouldn't be the man I am, she was part of my development. I have her to thank. I also apologise for how it went because I was no angel either in the end process either. I kept speaking in an encouraging nature like talking about mortgages together etc when I knew the end was coming. I only did this because I was scared and due to the overthinking didn't want her thinking something was wrong until I figured out how I was going to deliver this news.. She will never understand me and how I think but she tried and she was amazing when times were good helping me out when I needed it.
Do I still want to be with her? I don't have an answer to that because who knows. We did a lot of shit to each-other which created some trust issues between us which I'm sure we both regret but I learn from my mistakes so who knows where the future takes me. I encourage her to move on because she has to live her life as I do.
Whether my life was destined to be with her or someone else, it doesn't matter. I'm living life one step at a time having learnt lessons and just here to enjoy life. If i see her doing the same, good on her.
Friends. Life isn't easy. Relationship's are not easy. Find the right one for you, the right person. I hope one day I find someone where I share so much with in common and experience with where I can simply just smile when I see them knowing my life is about to get better. I'm not seeking it out, let it fall in your lap, let yourself bump into "the one". It's so much more natural and beautiful. I cant wait.